So what is going on among men today? (Written June 2002)

Rev. David James

Chapter 2

So what is going on among men today?

A Parable from France
When I think of men and how they relate to the church, an image from a vacation my wife and I took in France soon after we graduated from college keeps coming to mind. We were fairly newly wed and were visiting my wife’s former roommate who had married a French mining engineer. It was August, when France virtually closes down for a month of vacations, so all four of us had time to do some traveling together. One weekend we found ourselves in a pleasant market town somewhere bang in the middle of France. The only worship option that Sunday was the Roman Catholic parish, so while our friends slept in we attended Mass.

The large church was about a third full: I guess there were probably a couple of hundred people in the congregation. While waiting for the service to begin, I glanced around and half-noted that males were rather thin on the ground, but gave little more thought to it. The Scriptures were read, a rather unimaginative sermon was preached, the creed was recited and the intercessions were made; then, just as the consecration of the elements was about to take place, there was an echoing metallic creak of ancient hinges followed by the sound of shuffling at the back of the church. Turning around I could see the west door of the church being pushed open, and several dozen men crushing their cigarette ends under their heels before sliding into the rear of the chancel for the sacramental climax of the liturgy.

The men stayed just long enough to satisfy their women folk, and while communion was being administered took their leave – probably to one of the several cafes that lined the square, for a glass of red wine or a steaming hot espresso coffee. It had taken only a few generations for men in France to retreat from being the pillars of the church to being unnecessary extras. There were probably a thousand other parishes that day where the men stayed just long enough to keep peace at home and with the priest before heading for their favorite watering-hole. Today most of the men are gone altogether – and many have taken the females in their families with them.

In France, as in virtually every other country in Europe, the culture that has emerged in the last forty or fifty years is a militantly secular one, with the church on its fringes – and men on the fringe of the church. A similar story could be told in many other parts of the Western world from Australia and New Zealand to Canada and back to Europe. Meanwhile, considering everything, church attendance still holds up in the United States remarkably well, but the statistics are pointing to the fact that increasing numbers of men are looking somewhere else – or, more likely, ignoring their spiritual side altogether.

A Pastoral Disaster that seems not to concern us
It is the number of men who are not involved in the life of the church that should be a grave source of pastoral concern to American Christian leaders, but so many are either oblivious to what is happening, or are assiduously ignoring the situation. Conservative and evangelical churches have changed their tactics for few years, helped along by the Promise Keepers surge which is now past. However, they have begun taking the challenge of reaching men increasingly more seriously, and this can be seen from the offerings that are coming out of evangelical publishers.

However, ministry among men remains little more than a distant or unnoticed blip on the radar screen of those in the mainline churches in general, and the Episcopal Church in particular. If the figures coming from polling organizations like Gallup and Barna even vaguely reflect the reality, the Episcopal Church has the dubious distinction of being the denomination that has the smallest proportion of men among its active membership, and that figure is continuing to fall. (I suspect the departure of men has probably accelerated in the years since I first wrote those words).

Any number of reasons could explain the absence of males, but it does seem that most churches have paid little attention to the needs and challenges that face males. When this is put alongside that deep-rooted male tendency to consider themselves self-sufficient and not needing any ‘props,’ then it is not difficult to see an outline of the shape of our dilemma. Add to this a deepening sense of abhorrence in the masculine world for much of what the church stands for, feelings that have been intensified by the crises that have rocked the Roman Catholic Church, and it is not difficult to see where these dynamics might be leading.

David James used to be a police officer. Today he is the rector of a parish in the Pacific Northwest, and over the last dozen and a half years has become a leading proponent of male spirituality in the Episcopal Church. He comments that, “Men are acculturated to see life in terms of action, of ‘making a difference,’ and the church often seems to spend its capital on fighting battles that the average man does not care about.” In a postmodern world, most males care diddlysquat about the petty squabbling that seems to characterize so much of church life today. To the majority of men many of our controversies seem so trivial and unimportant that they would rather get on with things that really matter in life.

The Stastics Behind the Reality
Father James has accumulated an impressive array of statistics to back up his assertions. Virtually every survey that has been made in the last 10-15 years dealing with the issue of men and their attitude toward the Christian faith is rather discouraging. The tragedy is that the churches have paid scant attention to data being generated, and have ignored the grave pastoral concern that all this should be to us.

Here is just a sample of what is going on:

· Men under the age of thirty are the most unchurched population in the United States

· Seventy-five percent of all men in America do not attend church regularly

· Eighty-five percent of all American men used to attend church, but do so no longer

· Thirty-eight million American man have not attended church in the last six months

This presents an enormous collection of challenges, within which are wrapped fascinating opportunities for Gospel people, if we were to pay them careful attention. Apart from the initiatives of the Diocese of Southwest Florida, the on-going work of the Brotherhood of St. Andrew, and sterling male ministries in a handful of congregations, the spiritual wellbeing of men seems to be of little consequence to our parishes, dioceses, and especially the national Episcopal Church.

Since 2000 the Episcopal Church has been talking up a storm about doubling its number of worshipers by 2020, yet our efforts at reaching out to the gender that makes up almost half the population are pitiful and all but non-existent. (The much vaunted 20/20 movement has gone nowhere, much to my chagrin. I was part of the task force that worked on an exciting evangelistic way forward, but when it came to it sexuality issues have been considered far more important than advancing the cause of Christ’s Kingdom).

It isn’t as if men are staying away from church because everything in their lives is going swimmingly. The “average man” in America, if there is such a creature, is struggling to work out who he is and what his role might be in today’s world. Much has changed in the last fifty years, and while the place and role of women in society has changed radically, males have been a lot slower to rethink what their role and place is in the world that is emerging.

Furthermore, while men might think of themselves as autonomous and self-sufficient, there are cartloads of evidence that all is not well with the masculine psyche. It would appear that at least fifty million men in America are encumbered (in differing degrees) by some kind of destructive, compulsive, or addictive behavior. These addictions might be to a substance, or to a process, or even to both. Drugs, food, and alcohol are the most likely male substances of abuse while among a complex mixture of processes to which men are addicted, are sex, work, adrenaline, and rage.

This reality translates into an even more depressing set of male statistics:

Men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women.

Over eighty percent of homeless single people are male

Ninety percent of those living with AIDS/HIV are men

Men comprise ninety-three percent of all those who are killed on the job.

There are eight times as many men in mental hospitals and prisons than there are women

The tale of woe does not end there, for this is merely the visible face of male self-abuse. Many middle-class males will shake their heads when reading this wearying procession of woes, but are likely to be denying or covering up their own addictions, compulsions, or destructive impulses. These statistics are just the tip of an enormous iceberg, forcefully drawing attention to a simmering distress that percolates beneath the surface. English psychiatrist, Anthony Clare, writes, “At the beginning of the 21st Century it is difficult to avoid the conclusion that men are in serious trouble.”

Traditional male roles and expectations have evaporated in a rapidly changing culture, and to date nothing substantial has emerged to take their place. There is no more poignant an illustration of this than the 1990s British movie, The Full Monty. Set in Sheffield, once the thriving center of the British steel industry, it is a tragic-comedy of a group of unemployed working men whose womenfolk have been able to find jobs in the burgeoning service sector, but who are themselves surplus to requirements now that heavy industry and manufacturing have moved away. The new world being born no longer requires either their brawn or any of their other skills. In the end they take up stripping in a club for an audience of women as a way of earning a living and drawing attention to their plight.

Diminishing Life Expectancy
Some suggest that there may be a link between diminishing life expectancies among men and the deepening sense of masculine lost-ness. While patterns of reduced longevity are most obvious in countries of the former Soviet Union, and parts of Africa where AIDS has taken a significant toll, there is a growing body of research that is beginning to suggest that it is possible life expectancy for men might has peaked in the USA.

The truth is that historically men have not taken particular care of themselves, but as we enter a new century, it is possible that male self-doubt could well be a contributory factor. The National Institutes of Health and dozens of universities studies “have repeatedly shown that male morbidity and longevity are influenced by alterable lifestyle habits and can be improved by stopping smoking and excessive alcohol consumption, eating more nutritious meals, exercising regularly, avoiding occupational hazards when possible, and conscientiously using healthcare facilities.” Yet millions of men have shown little willingness to make the appropriate lifestyle adjustments, and have continued to misuse their bodies.

Men have much to learn from women, who were increasingly taken better care of themselves in the latter decades of the 20th Century. This reality makes itself felt in startling improvements in female longevity figures. Since the 1960s and the birth of the “women’s health movement,” there has been a growing willingness of masses of women to take medical advice seriously, modifying behavior, diet, and lifestyles. Men, scared of being considered wimps, are less willing to take such warnings. As he drains his third or fourth beer many a macho man has been heard to boast, “I haven’t needed to see the doctor in years.” By staying away and avoiding regular physical check-ups, correctable problems become chronic, and these are further intensified by inappropriate diets and lack of regular exercise.

As all males are fully aware, there are generations of masculine socialization behind these attitudes. From the time we are small boys we are discouraged from complaining or even seeking assistance when we know that we need it. What was once just a barroom boast now seems to be robbing males of years that could have been spent doing something constructive or providing for their families and loved ones. Even a casual visit one or two of the nursing homes or elderly housing facilities in your own community, and you will see the disproportionate number of elderly women there is to older men.

A Priest to Men
All this deeply concerns David James, the ex-cop and priest mentioned at the beginning of this chapter. He took an early retirement from law enforcement, went to seminary, was ordained, and has since trained as a psychologist. Fr. James expresses his anxieties in a forthright manner. “Those of us who work with men in the Church have discovered the depths of men’s alienation from their God, themselves, and those they love. The average man is more wounded physically, emotionally and spiritually than he is aware of. And rather than find ways to grieve and heal, he has developed coping and survival strategies that are ineffective, inadequate and ungodly.”

He was already a priest and had completed his doctorate in clinical psychology when he found himself drawn into exploring and understanding the needs of men as they struggle to find their place in this new world being born. The male dilemma became a reality with a face he could put upon it when he was Director of Adult Formation on a cathedral staff in California in the early nineties. While there it slowly dawned on him that there was a pressing spiritual dimension to all that he was seeing.

A particular turning point seems to have been a pastoral interview that he had with a rising young attorney who made an appointment to see him seeking help and support. In so many ways this man’s situation was not unique: he was sensing a lack of meaning in his life, and felt as though there was so much pent up anger inside him that he would soon explode. As the two of them talked, David discovered that this man had been raised by his mother after his father had abandoned their family, and that for most of his adult years he had had few intimate male friends with whom to share his life. Digging deeper they discovered that he was looking for a place where he could share his inner pain and turmoil; he was lonely and hungered for fellowship with other men who were on a similar sort of journey.

This led David James to start poking around, making a pest of himself as he asked an endless succession of questions of whomever he thought could help him get a handle on what was going on. At the same time he was observing patterns of parish life, and it became apparent that while there were plenty of things that men might do around the church, there were few, if any, places where a man could meet with other men to grow in faith. “So,” he remarked with a smile, “in what turned out to be a life-changing decision, I put a note in the bulletin inviting men to a 6.00 a.m. coffee and donut meeting to talk about spirituality. Twenty-five men came the first day!”

All that the guys did together that morning was to talk around the question, “Why are you come at such an early hour on a workday to talk about your spiritual life?” The answers that came back amazed their priest. “The men replied that first of all, the church seemed geared to women and children. Secondly, that they’d spoken to a priest or pastor years ago about forming a men’s bible study only to be met with indifference. Finally, they felt that if they weren’t interested in a vocation to ordained ministry, the official church had little interest in them.”

Just as that early morning men’s group at Northside United Methodist Church in Atlanta had been the starting point for the altered trajectory of Jay Crouse’s life, so on the western side of the country a few years later, another early morning men’s gathering gave new focus to Fr. James’s ministry. He found himself learning as he went along, and over the next several years a series of groups and retreats were developed by the men of the cathedral which became real “watering holes” for them.

But this wasn’t enough. He says, “To equip myself to better work with the guys I started reading everything I could find on ministry to men… which wasn’t much.”

It was while searching for helpful literature that he stumbled across the writing of Roman Catholic Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr. Rohr is a man who has been something of an innovator in pastoral ministry, and by this point had been set apart by his order and the Roman church to work specifically with men. David James gobbled up what Rohr had to say, and then started using Rohr’s books and ideas with men’s groups. To his delight he discovered that Rohr spoke a language that Episcopal men could understand and respond to.

As sometimes happens when you find a “soul friend” through the written word, James got in touch with Rohr and pleaded to be mentored by him as he explored the whole world of men and male spirituality. From that long distance friendship and tutorial relationship came a more substantial face-to-face association, which in turn led to David James not only to share ministry with Fr. Rohr, but also to writing his first book about men’s ministry – one of the first ever written by an Episcopalian.

In his determination to learn more about what got men to the point where we are today, James even worked for several years as a clinical consultant for the Barbara Sinatra Center for Abused Children in Rancho Mirage, California. It was while doing this that he found out just how much damage is done to the heart and soul of boys when their young lives are devoid of discernable male role models. Little by little the pieces slipped into place in his mind.

David James is a man with a clear mission. He has a passion about males and all that they can be in Jesus Christ, and he gets excited and energized by this subject. He has given a lot of thought to all that is going on around us today: “When God created men, he gave us the ability to live with passion, courage, wisdom, strength, purpose, and faithfulness. He planted deep within our soul the gift of our manhood and raised that gift to new heights in the redeeming action of Jesus Christ. Sadly, we’ve not always lived up to this potential, but it is our prayer that each man will hear the Gospel afresh and re-enter life with the freedom to serve all of God’s creation aflame with the spirit of Jesus.”

Jay Crouse and David James, two men at “the pointed end” of the movement to reach men for Jesus Christ, are pioneers for men’s ministry in the Episcopal Church. They both recognize that in society today men are at a crossroads, and that the churches have a message that can help them make sense of the confusing array of emotions that are constantly tugging on their lives, and can provide for them a way of thinking, believing, and acting that will provide them with an anchor as they attempt to reconfigure what it means to be a man in the postmodern, post-Christian world of the Twenty-first Century.

But before we can start identifying ways that we might proceed, it is necessary for us to look at how we got to where we are now.